Update: Newsies

Recap: I met a guy at a wedding and we had a spark.

What Happened:

It didn’t work out and I need to take a serious break from dating.

I can’t explain it but, I have this weird ability to identify exact moments where the energy shifts and someone pulls away. This time it happened the day after I saw his new apartment. After that day, the texting was drier than usual.

I tried to not let it get the best of me. We had been texting an awful lot beforehand so it may have just been time for us to chill a bit. As the weeks went on, the quality of texting got a little better and I relaxed a bit.

While I was traveling for work, I drunk-dialed him and asked when I could see his place now that it had decor. He said when I got back. We made plans for that Friday. Everything was good.

I was so excited. Probably way more than I should have been but, I was having a really shitty few weeks, and honestly our date was the one thing getting me through that period. I drove up to NH Thursday night. I was READY.

Well, he canceled the morning of.

His reason was legitimate. He got a steroid injection in his tailbone and was in some pain. Given everything that had been going on that week in my personal life, I was really upset about it. Probably more than I should have been. Just felt like the wind was taken out of my sails.

I offered to hang out with him at home but he didn’t take the bait. What bothered me most was the last time he canceled on me, he called me because if he texted me that he felt like I’d be like “THIS motherfucker” (which is true), so he wanted to reassure me that he wanted to see me, and we found an alternate time.

However, this time it was just a text with no reassurance or attempt to reschedule. Actually, he was going to be in Boston the next day for a concert but made no mention of us seeing each other even though I lived so close. Kinda odd but, whatever.

When he told me about the concert earlier that week, I let him know that he could stay at my place that night if he partied too hard. I didn’t expect him to take me up on it but, the night of he asked if he could stay over. I was out so I gave him my lockbox code.

He couldn’t get in so I Ubered home and everything seemed normal enough. He was drunk and I was still a little peeved from the day before but, the conversation was normal and we ended the night with some hot ass sex. Like really, put it in my top 5 of all time. He was affectionate with me in the morning. And we went on our merry way.

That’s when the next shift happened. The texting got stale and I was trying not to focus on it. But then I didn’t hear from him for over 24 hours from Thursday into that Saturday.

I had to be back in NH for the weekend and was doing a scan of the apps Friday night to see if there were funny ones of people my friends and I knew. And then I saw it. Ian’s profile with the “New Here” tag. Fuck. Me.

I’m a petty bitch so I right-swiped it. Wanted him to know that I knew.

He had some things going on in his personal life that weekend so I did send him a text on Saturday to the effect of, “Thinking of you, you got this, etc.” and he responded back that it meant a lot. I tried starting a conversation with him and it just didn’t go anywhere.

That night, I had a notification that I had a match and sure enough, it was him. So I was petty and sent him a message on Bumble. Sunday morning I woke up to a text.

Yes, I did leave him on read for a bit. There were events going on that day where I did not feel it was appropriate for me to be texting him about whatever the fuck we were doing.

I knew we hadn’t talked about exclusivity but, I did think it was odd he created a profile. Based on our conversations, he was pretty adamantly against the apps.

I just didn’t get wtf I did that caused such a shift. We talked an awful lot and in those conversations, he said things like, “You were a surprise…You’re someone I would take seriously…You’re a great person”, and all that shit. Just didn’t expect him to try to ice me out and ghost.

So wtf did I do that was so bad?

I never meet anyone in person. Most times, it’s my friends getting the attention at the bar while I just dance with some randos in a corner. It’s also been a minute since I’ve been excited about someone. So for me, this situation carried a different weight. Also, we knew the same people so I expected more.

Going into this situation, I knew the risks and the likely outcomes given the timing of us meeting. I was just really hoping I’d be wrong. It’s not that we had this major relationship and that’s why I am so upset. It’s that I genuinely liked him, felt a connection, and thought this time could be different.

I have spent the past several years hearing the same (well-intentioned) shit over and over.

• “It will happen when you least expect it”
• “It’s a numbers game”
• “It’s just around the corner, I know it”

I have been living with “just around the corner” anticipation for a fucking long time and I am exhausted. I’ve put up the numbers and then some. I feel like I’m in this constant cycle of feeling like I can drop my guard and be vulnerable and then it immediately blows up in my face. Once I get a taste of safety, it just implodes and it sucks.

At this point, I can’t confidently say that I won’t meet someone but in that same breath, I can’t confidently say I will either. If I take another person out of the long-term equation, I’m not sure I’m living the life I need to feel fulfilled on my own.

So for now, I need to take a hiatus from dating and from writing so I can grow and heal from 100+ unsuccessful dates. I appreciate all the support over the years and I look forward to one day coming back. Here’s hoping I have something good for ya.